A virgin and confused about sex
I am a virgin. My relationship of 10 months has
just ended.
Throughout our relationship we did not have sex,
but were just intimate. I did not want full sex because I planned to wait until
it felt right. I didn’t want to have regrets like my friends have.
But after a while, I began to fall in love with him, and trust him, and started
to want sex.
However, at this point my boyfriend said he didn’t love me and we split up. He
said he had wanted sex.
He is a really nice guy and didn’t want to push me – but now I wish he had.
We didn’t break up because of the lack of sex.
I feel so full of regret that I didn’t take the chance to sleep with him while
we were together. Now I’ve lost my first love and am still a virgin. It makes
me so upset when I think about it all.
I wanted him to be my first and it could have happened but it didn’t, because
of me.
Another reason we didn’t have sex is because I’m so scared. It wasn’t
normal nerves, but fear. This did lessen when I felt I trusted him, but it never
went away.
When he used to give me oral sex, it used to make me feel sick, I hated the idea
of what he was doing. When I think about sex, I do want to have it and have
great orgasms, but the idea of the mechanics of sex, the results of sex and the
sheer idea of sex makes me cringe, and feel sick and depressed.
I wish I had explored this more when we were together, now I will never know.
What if I never find anyone else to love and who loves me? What if I never have
sex because the chances never arise or because I’m too scared?
It’s making me so upset, I can’t eat, sleep and I cry all the time, both at
the lost of my boyfriend and because I could have made so much out of the time
we had together.
Would it be wrong to have sex with him now that we have broken up? I feel so
consumed by it all I don’t know what to do.
RESPONSE
I think that you really need the help of an older,
much more experienced person to help you deal with your (if you'll forgive my
saying so) rather 'old fashioned' attitudes to sex. Some long chats with a woman
doctor or nurse would be invaluable.
Meanwhile, I don't think it would be appropriate or desirable for you to ask
this young man to have full sex with you at this time. Your emotions are very
mixed up, and I don't think you should complicate them further by introducing
sexual intercourse into the situation.
You are doing something that many of us do when we're upset. which is to make a
situation worse by thinking so negatively about it. It's entirely normal to feel
sad at the end of a loving relationship. But you are thinking things like: no
one else will ever want me. And: I'll never have sex. Now, the fact is that
these thoughts are quite irrational as you can't possibly know whether you'll
ever have another good relationship. Or whether or not you'll ever have sex. But
I can tell you this: the chances that you will are very great indeed!
So you would benefit from trying to think straighter about what has happened.
But also have a go at working on the way that your thought processes are making
you even more miserable. I suggest you read this excellent book: 'Mind Over
Mood' by Greenberger and Padesky, published by Guilford Press.
This will help you to develop more rational thinking which will not just help
you now, but will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.
Good luck.
Yours sincerely
"Swingerlover"
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